Your family friend Haley Reed pulled some strings for you to get this job, but you weren’t built for the nine to five. You spend most of the day sharing cat memes on Facebook, chiefing joints in the parking lot, and jerking off at your desk, but your poor performance is starting to get Hayley in trouble. When she pulls you aside for a disciplinary hearing, she suggests that your excess “baby batter” may be distracting you. Being the proactive young businesswoman that she is, she decides to take matters into her own hands. “Matters” meaning your dick.